Now I aint saying Im not pretty... it just takes me a while to get there!
So last night was a highlight in my Groupie Ladder of Achievements as I am attending as many shows as possible and getting up close and personal with some of todays hottest most talented performers.
After meeting Pat Grossi of Active Child last year and getting snubbed for the hottie with the big tits (and witnessing a “diva moment” when I touched his necklace), I decided that this time I would get my comeuppance. I would strut up to him and remind him how we previously met, and I would find some way to lure him in seductively with bedroom eyes and coy remarks. But in order for all this to be achieved I had to look stunning. I had to be the black equivalent to the hot blond with the big tits last year.
As I stood in front of my full length mirror with only an hour before show time, I was faced with the dilemma of either looking sexy or feeling comfortable. I had picked out a beautiful blue and pink dress with spaghetti straps that accentuated my hour glass shape. But with the few extra pounds I had put on, the dress looked too small. I had to choose: suck it in or leave it out. Well if I wanted any chance of getting close to Pat I had to suck it in and wear my black Spanx. But then if I did actually get close to Pat dun dun dun… Id be wearing black Spanx!!! So not attractive. In the end I chose to wear the hideous girdle and moved on to the next dilemma.
Long hair is always sexy so I decided to wear my clip in hair extensions. But what if I did get close to Pat? He’d be running his fingers through my damn weave and that would be a major turn off. But I put the extensions in anyway.
Oh and then I had to add 4 cutlets to my strapless bra just to keep those puppies up and a pair of fake eyelashes to add a more flirty and glamorous look to my peepers.
Sixty minutes later I was ready for the show. Now I aint saying Im not pretty… it just takes me a while to get there.
And readers I did get my comeuppance. I locked lips with that gorgeous captivating singer with the hard chest, strong shoulders and soft full lips… but did I get to really enjoy it? No! The whole time we were making out all I could think was “boy dont put your hands in my weave” and “stop moving your hands up my skirt, you wont feel ass just nylon and spandex” and “dear lord do I smell okay? Did I put on too much perfume?” and “Please god dont let him touch my chest in case one of my cutlets falls out.”
So take from this what you like. Some may frown at all the trouble I went through just to get a second glance from someone who failed to see me the first time, and some may find my groupie ambitions deplorable and sophomoric, but some of you may have laughed your ass off and found this entry humorous and recalled a time when you were in a situation similar to mine. In the end I am always comfortable with my decisions and find the comicality and amusement in everything I do.
Ive compiled a list of some of the hilarious things the children in my class have said over the years. Please enjoy these cute, down right funny and observant remarks.
"Can you help me find my eye heels?” - Annika while playing in the dramatic center
"My dad bought my mom a dress. Its black and she can only wear it at night time" - Evie
'Every day it feels like Im changing into someone else” -Alexandra
"For some strange reason you still smell good at the end of the day" - Annika to her mom at pick up time
me: Hey Zaki what you making?
me: Whats in it?
Zaki: White people!
"Lightening is when God takes a picture of us"- Maggie
I was drinking a can of ginger ale when Sloane said, “My mom likes beer too.”
"We’re playing Poor Town. Everyone who lives here is poor but they’re still happy. Well…only in the spring summer and fall. In the winter they’re not happy because they have holes in the roof. They eat shredded wheat, grass and bones" -Alexandra
Harry: Whats a wife?
Me: A woman you choose to love and possibly live with. Whose your wife?
Harry: My mom
In honor of the season change Alexandra gave the teachers all Spring names. Amanda is now refered to as Moist Blossom and I am currently Luscious Dewdrop.
I admit that on occasion I innocently mix up words. Especially those found in song lyrics or catch phrases. When I was young I called Lemon Meringue pie, Lemon Merengue. And this continued on for several years until my 15th birthday when my mom said, “You do know thats not what its called right?”
I also received odd glances and disturbed looks when ever I sang AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds” like this: ♪Dirty sheets, got no bleach, dirty sheets, got no bleach♪
Well there’s a name for my innocence/ignorance and its called Malapropism.
Thats a good one eh? I love my words and this one is high on my vernacular appreciation list. It simply means ‘unintentionally humorous misuse of a word or phrase, especially the use of a word that sounds somewhat like the intended but ludicrously wrong in context.’
Well now I know what its called. But even with this new found knowledge Im sure that I will commit many more malapropisms.
So I close this entry in the words of the great Elton John: ♪Hold me closer Tony Danza ♪
Listen to Multi Millionaire. Damn! Sounds like “I Would Die 4U” by Prince. And that song “Worse it Gets” gives me flashbacks of “Little Red Corvette”. Maybe hes hoping the youngsters wont notice but the 80s veterans at his recent show at Sound Academy kept looking at each other with this ”wait a minute doesnt that sound like…” expression on their face.
Don’t get me wrong I love the reemergence of 80s inspired music these days. And if the youth of tomorrow are keen on it too then the more the merrier. Penguin Prison is just among a plethora of artists who are paying homage to some of the greatest sounds in music history. Hes successfully married the classic 80’s pop sound with that new synth indie genre.
And who can ignore/deny how sexy he sounds when he breaths heavily on the majority of his tracks.
So heres a big ‘thank you’ to Chris Glover. Not just for taking a picture with me or politely shaking my hand or refraining from calling security after I drooled on him several times, but for reminding us how much fun music is supposed to be. Keep it up Chris. And see you the next time your in town.